Friday, March 15, 2024

A Prayer for Hard Medical Anniversaries

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A Prayer for Hard Medical Anniversaries     God of Hope, God of all comfort, God of healing:  This day marks a sorrowful anniversary—  So many years since the illness that continues to change my life,  Since the cancer diagnosis,  Since the accident,  Since the medical label that transformed every aspect of my days.  It is a death without a grave,  Grief without a funeral  Or other rights of communal mourning and lament.     You alone truly understand the depth of my heartache  And the distinct sorrow of those who love me and share my burden,  Weighted by it alongside but outside me.     I grieve the old me that may never return,  The holistic, multifaceted cost of this illness, this disability,  The choices my body makes for me,  The freedoms and dreams and hope stripped away,  The damage to cherished relationships,  The missed community celebrations, the exclusions, the lost opportunities,  The time redirected to medical tasks,  The increased energy required for the most basic personal tasks.     I grieve the invisible, unspoken milestones  like the last time I was healthy in my dreams,  The last time I went to church or a concert or a wedding or a graduation,  The last time I ran or hiked or danced  Or worked or cleaned or cooked  Or spent a day making music or curled up in a bookshop chair,  The last time I could take a shower without careful planning and pacing.     I grieve the hurtful words denying or blaming me for my weakness,  The realization that much of society regards me as both "less than" and "too much,"  The shame and gaslighting.



A Prayer for Hard Medical Anniversaries

 

God of Hope, God of all comfort, God of healing:

This day marks a sorrowful anniversary—

So many years since the illness that continues to change my life,

Since the cancer diagnosis,

Since the accident,

Since the medical label that transformed every aspect of my days.

It is a death without a grave,

Grief without a funeral

Or other rights of communal mourning and lament.

 

You alone truly understand the depth of my heartache

And the distinct sorrow of those who love me and share my burden,

Weighted by it alongside but outside me.

 

I grieve the old me that may never return,

The holistic, multifaceted cost of this illness, this disability,

The choices my body makes for me,

The freedoms and dreams and hope stripped away,

The damage to cherished relationships,

The missed community celebrations, the exclusions, the lost opportunities,

The time redirected to medical tasks,

The increased energy required for the most basic personal tasks.

 

I grieve the invisible, unspoken milestones

like the last time I was healthy in my dreams,

The last time I went to church or a concert or a wedding or a graduation,

The last time I ran or hiked or danced

Or worked or cleaned or cooked

Or spent a day making music or curled up in a bookshop chair,

The last time I could take a shower without careful planning and pacing.

 

I grieve the hurtful words denying or blaming me for my weakness,

The realization that much of society regards me as both "less than" and "too much,"

The shame and gaslighting.

 



Come alongside me today, Abba Father, Suffering Savior, Counselor, Comforter, Advocate. Comfort the sadness; Make Your loving presence known; Guide and provide in medical care; Cure this affliction if You will; Heal my heart, even if my body never recovers in the land of the living.  Thank You for Your promises, Your presence, Your intimate companionship even when I am most alone.  Thank You for knowing, loving, and holding me in my brokenness, Though all others forsake me.  Thank You for what You have disclosed of Yourself through my desperate dependence, For Your strength in my weakness, For the sufficiency of Your grace in my thorn.  Thank You for the precious gifts of kind words and practical help, For the foul-weather friends who have stood fast at my side and wept with me, For the companions in the same medical storm And our fellowship in these sufferings.  Thank You for the hope that this same trial is actively producing for me An exceeding, eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, that it is not wasted but generative.



Come alongside me today, Abba Father,

Suffering Savior,

Counselor, Comforter, Advocate.

Comfort the sadness;

Make Your loving presence known;

Guide and provide in medical care;

Cure this affliction if You will;

Heal my heart, even if my body never recovers in the land of the living.


Thank You for Your promises,

Your presence,

Your intimate companionship even when I am most alone.

 

Thank You for knowing, loving, and holding me in my brokenness,

Though all others forsake me.

 

Thank You for what You have disclosed of Yourself through my desperate dependence,

For Your strength in my weakness,

For the sufficiency of Your grace in my thorn.

 

Thank You for the precious gifts of kind words and practical help,

For the foul-weather friends who have stood fast at my side and wept with me,

For the companions in the same medical storm

And our fellowship in these sufferings.

 

Thank You for the hope that this same trial is actively producing for me

An exceeding, eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,

that it is not wasted but generative.

 

Thank You for Your love which conquers, redeems, and transforms all, Even this, Into glorious good.  Thank You for using this to make me more like my Savior.  Thank You that nothing disables me from knowing You— Which is true and eternal life— Or from knowing Christ in the power of His resurrection And the fellowship of His sufferings.  Thank You for the hope of glory, For the whole, glorious, redeemed body You are preparing for me in the day of resurrection, For the hope of no more death, no more alienation, no more tears, For the hope of all these locust-eaten years to be restored.  Thank You for the everlasting promise You will be with me now, In the pain and weakness and difficulty, In the loneliness, That You will hold my hand, That underneath are the everlasting arms, That I am loved with an everlasting love.  But today, Lord, I grieve. I hurt. I lament. The brokenness overwhelms. I want enduring hope, but even that must be Your gift. I believe; help my unbelief, In Jesus’ name. Amen.  Crlm, 3/15/24, Long Covid Awareness Day



Thank You for Your love which conquers, redeems, and transforms all,

Even this,

Into glorious good.

 

Thank You for using this to make me more like my Savior.

 

Thank You that nothing disables me from knowing You—

Which is true and eternal life—

Or from knowing Christ in the power of His resurrection

And the fellowship of His sufferings.

 

Thank You for the hope of glory,

For the whole, glorious, redeemed body You are preparing for me

in the day of resurrection,

For the hope of no more death, no more alienation, no more tears,

For the hope of all these locust-eaten years to be restored.

 

Thank You for the everlasting promise You will be with me now,

In the pain and weakness and difficulty,

In the loneliness,

That You will hold my hand,

That underneath are the everlasting arms,

That I am loved with an everlasting love.

 

But today, Lord, I grieve.

I hurt. I lament.

The brokenness overwhelms.

I want enduring hope, but even that must be Your gift.

I believe; help my unbelief,

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

 



Sunday, March 10, 2024

A Prayer When You Don’t Know What to Pray

 










Black text of Fénelon prayer on translucent beige background over photo of pear blossoms
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“Lord,

I know not what I ought to ask of Thee;

Thou only knowest what I need:

Thou lovest me better than I know how to love myself.

O Father! Give to Thy child that which he himself knows not how to ask.

I dare not ask for crosses or consolations,

I simply present myself before Thee,

I open my heart to Thee.

Behold my needs which I know not myself;

See and do according to Thy tender mercy.

Smite or heal; depress me or raise me up;

I adore all Thy purposes without knowing them;

I am silent; I offer myself in sacrifice;

I yield myself to Thee;

I would have no other desire than to accomplish Thy will.

Teach me to pray. 

Pray Thyself in me.

Amen.”


~François de la Mothe Fénelon (1651-1715)

Friday, March 1, 2024

Anchorhold

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Anchorhold: A Poem

  

Here I am, suburban anchorite:

Chronic illness my cloister,

My home my hermitage,

Caregiving my enclosure.

My bare voice sings praise alone in my cell

With the absent-present congregants in my ears.

The mockingbird leads the avian chorus;

I pass the peace to the dragonfly on perched on the other side of the glass.

I pass along the comfort I receive

From the Father of mercies.

A living stone, embedded in the temple of the Body,

Walled in, communion mediated by windows 

In my wall, on my desk, in my hand,

Attached yet excluded—

Invisible illness hiding me invisibly away

From the rest of the body—yet still part of it,

Never parted from my Head, the Beloved.

I am a suburban anchorite,

But the burdens and bricks which anchor me here

Anchor me to Christ.

Saturday, February 17, 2024

Lenten Valentine Prayer





O Lord, fountain of ineffable and inexhaustible lovingkindness,
Untiring and undeterred Lover of our souls,
We confess that we have squandered our strength, our moments, and our very selves,
Wearying souls and bodies in pursuit of what is not love and does not satisfy.
Our adulterous hearts were made to love and be loved by You, our heavenly Bridegroom,
Whose love alone does not fade or fail, falter or break faith.
Rescue us from our idols;
Prune away our worthless, barren loves;
Open more of our hearts to yourself, whose love is life;
Replace our stony sin-stained hearts with new hearts, tender towards you;
So awaken our souls to your love, that we cannot but wholly cleave to you;
Captivate our every affection with your loveliness;
Console the desolate hearts with your mercies;
Embrace the lonely hearts with your delight;
Soothe the fearful hearts with your peace;
Heal the broken hearts with your compassion;
Seek out the wandering hearts with the wooing of your Spirit.
O Lord, who loved us to and through the cross,
Expand and expurgate our hearts to better love You who loved us first,
Without whom we would not know love at all.
In the name of the fairest and loveliest Lord Jesus we pray. Amen.



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Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Psalm 27 and the Hope of Three O’Clock in the Morning

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Teach me your way, Lord;

lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,

for false witnesses rise up against me,

 spouting malicious accusations.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:11-14 NIV

 

 

Imagine this: you are besieged by wicked enemies and foes; an army has you surrounded; false witnesses are spreading lies about you; you are on the run, hunted by people who want only to do you harm.

 

What would your first response be in that situation? If you are a Christian, I hope it would be to pray.

 

What kind of prayer would rise first from your heart and lips? For me, it might only be the name of Jesus. Or maybe, "Lord, help!" Or perhaps, "Lord, have mercy!"

 

David is in exactly that situation in Psalm 27. Returning to the beginning, we see references to his desperate circumstances all the way through. But his first-response prayer looks quite different from mine. He begins by proclaiming his confidence in God and seeking Him above all things.

 

Context

  

This is the fifth essay in our series reflecting on Psalm 27. In this Psalm, God through David has given us a prayer-song for when we are afraid of the dark: whatever kind of dark, whether literal darkness or emotional and spiritual darkness. David seeks shelter in God's personal presence with confidence borne out of His past rescues, and so can we.

 

In the first post, we consider the themes and structure of the prayer as a whole. In the second post, we see how David describes his experience of God's saving defense (1-3). In the third post (4-6), David expresses his expectant desire for God's sheltering presence, his "one thing": to dwell with and behold his God. In the previous post, we see David shift from talking about God to talking to God directly (7-10). He pleads for the Lord's favor and fellowship, and by the end of the section he has found solace in the assurance that the Lord will receive him, no matter what the people around him might do.

 

In this fourth section (11-13), David continues to plead to God directly, this time for God's protection and direction. As we begin to wrap up the Psalm, he finally arrives where I might have begun.

 

Call

 

After proclaiming God's praise, pursuing His fellowship, and praying for His presence, David now calls out or pleads for help with the immediate earthly problems.

 

·      David seeks direction.
"Teach me your way, Lord;
Lead me in a straight path…" (11).

·      David seeks deliverance.
"Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes" (12).

·      David implies he wants vindication.
"…for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations" (12b).

 

And that is the extent of his practical requests. Pretty simple, given the fraught circumstances.

 

Confidence

 

From those brief prayers, David concludes the section, as with the previous three sections, with a statement of confidence in God:

 

"I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

In the land of the living" (13).

 

David remains confident. The confidence he had at the beginning of the prayer has not left him. He remains confident. He is convinced that God can do what He promises. He is convinced that he will see the LORD's goodness, benevolence, and favor, that the LORD—no matter what comes—will not mistreat him. Finally, he remains confident of this goodness "in the land of the living."

 

My default interpretation of that final line of the section was that David was speaking spiritually. I assumed that he was referring to the afterlife, that he could stay confident because he knew that even if the worst happened with the present enemies, he would be in heaven with God, so all would be well.

 

And I was wrong.

 

Those ideas weren't wrong, in and of themselves. But they were the wrong interpretation here, in this small swatch of a whole prayer-poem.

 

Why do I say that?

 

That musical lyric, "in the land of the living," which we have heard and sung so many times, is not unique to this Psalm. There are a number of idioms or "stock phrases" which appear unchanged or nearly unchanged across the Old Testament. This phrase is one of those, and in several of the other occurrences, it clearly means, "on earth," in this roller coaster of a journey from conception to the grave.

 

Consider these examples:

·      "For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:8-9 ESV).
There death is contrasted with walking in the land of the living.

·      "But God will break you down forever; he will snatch and tear you from your tent; he will uproot you from the land of the living. Selah" (Psalm 52:5 ESV).

Here death is described as being uprooted from the land of the living.

·      "I said, I shall not see the Lord, the Lord in the land of the living; I shall look on man no more among the inhabitants of the world" (Isaiah 38:11 ESV).
Here again, physical death—no longer looking upon the inhabitants of the world—is the end of life in the land of the living.

·      "By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people?" (Isaiah 53:8 ESV).
This predicts the substitutionary death of Messiah, fulfilled in Jesus. At the cross as He breathed His last, he was "cut off out of the land of the living."

·      "Assyria is there, and all her company, its graves all around it, all of them slain, fallen by the sword, whose graves are set in the uttermost parts of the pit; and her company is all around her grave, all of them slain, fallen by the sword, who spread terror in the land of the living" (Ezekiel 32:22-23 ESV).
The slain enemies of Israel used to spread terror in the land of the living and died as a consequence.

·      "But I was like a gentle lamb led to the slaughter. I did not know it was against me they devised schemes, saying, 'Let us destroy the tree with its fruit, let us cut him off from the land of the living, that his name be remembered no more.'" (Jeremiah 11:19 ESV).
One more time, the land of the living is a metaphor for the physical, earthly life.

Why did I spend so much time on that point? So that you can see what I saw without simply taking my word for it, because this idea proves important in understanding and applying the Psalm as a whole.

 

If "the land of the living" is David's earthly life and not the afterlife, but he is currently hunted, falsely accused, and surrounded by mortal enemies, how is he so sure that he will see the goodness of God right here and right now? One might suggest that he is confident because God always gives us what we ask if we have enough faith. Without belaboring that point at present, I will say that the rest of Scripture contradicts that interpretation. If you disagree, perhaps we can discuss it another time.

 

The other alternative, which I believe is correct, seamlessly connects to the rest of this prayer. What is David's deepest core desire in all of life? To dwell with his God.

 

"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."

Psalm 27:4 NIV

 

What, consequently, is David's deepest fear? David's deepest fear is not military defeat or death; it is to lose God's presence, for God to turn away from him in anger.

 

"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior."

Psalm 27:4, 8-9 NIV

 

David has assured himself in the previous sections of this prayer that his greatest desire will be given and his greatest fear will not come to pass. Knowing this, knowing that—no matter what—he will go through it in the companionship of God, he remains confident. We might almost say that this foreshadows Paul's statement in Philippians 3 that knowing Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering was his "one thing." Or that it hints at Romans 8:28, when we read that God causes all things to cooperate for the good of those who love Him…and that "good" is conformity to the image of Christ.

 

Are you encompassed by fears, surrounded by danger, ensnared by troubles? Are the waves much, much too high and threatening to drown you? Is your child far from the Lord? Your marriage imploding and taking the children with it? Mental illness rendering a precious someone unrecognizable? Caregiving or chronic illness wearing you so thin you feel you must rip apart? A dreadful diagnosis quenching your hope and confounding your doctors? The money running out with no clear replenishment in sight? Society turning its back on you and leaving you behind for reasons beyond your control? Healthcare desperately needed but beyond your reach? Your dearest loved one fading away like a rainbow in the sun?

 

These are all real situations facing people I know right now. Or my own family. I do not say this glibly or intend to minimize the pain. Even into those real and great adversities, I must ask this.

 

What is your one thing, beloved? What do you fear most and desire most? (The fear points toward the desire.)

 

If you, like David, most desire communion with God and most fear losing the sunshine of His face, then seek His will and lean into the confidence that you will see His goodness, even here, even now. If you walk through suffering, it will be in fellowship with the suffering Christ; if you walk in resurrection joy and fruitfulness, it will be in the power of the risen Christ. His promises will never fail. He will never, never, never, never leave or forsake His children (Hebrews 13:5).

 

If you recognize that is not your deepest desire and greatest fear, go to Him and ask. Tell Him what you desire more than His presence, confess your fears, and tell Him that you want to want Him more than anything or anyone, but you don't know how. He will hear and answer your cry without shame or condemnation. And He knows anyway.

 

What is more, having given us Himself, would He ever refuse us the lesser gifts of wisdom to walk with Him, help against our foes, or any good thing in the land of the living? We can trust Him. We can place our confidence in Him. He is faithful.

 

Courage in the Lord

 

In the final short section (v. 14), David counsels his own heart to trust the Lord:

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart [or courage]

And wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14 NIV

 

We can know that he is talking to himself here because in the Hebrew, the commands are singular: one "you," not "y'all." David is following the counsel D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones would later give of talking to himself more than he listens to himself.

 

He is, after all, surrounded by enemies.

 

Even though his confidence, rescue, and light are in the Lord his God, it is a three o'clock in the morning in his soul, so he needs to keep reminding himself of what is true.

 

He tells himself to wait for, hope in, or expect the Lord. God's promises are "yes and amen," not "maybe, we'll see." We can expect Him to do what He says He will do.

 

He talks himself into strength and courage, which he can find because the Lord is his light, salvation, and fortress, leaving no reason to fear (verse 1). He can find strength of heart because he dwells with the God he loves and knows that God will not forsake him.

 

And he repeats for emphasis that his soul should expect the Lord.

 

As short as this section is, it offers an important reminder for our own souls' three o'clocks: wait. In overwhelming darkness and difficulty, we do very much need courage to wait. We need courage and strength to believe the sun will rise again and three o'clock will not last forever. We need patience to endure with the expectation that God is faithful and we will see His goodness even now, in the land of the living.

 

In those seasons, the presence of God is the light (maybe the only light) in our darkness. He is the strong, trustworthy person we need in the nightmares. For the Christian, the triune infinite-personal God dwells not only with us but in us, and we are in Him by grace through faith in Christ. The comfort, courage, strength, and peace we need are in our very hearts.

 

He can sustain us and even give us joy and peace in the three o'clocks of our souls' dark nights.

 

Courage, dear hearts.

 

Closing prayer:


Lord of peace and power,

Who gave Abraham confidence to obey

Even to the sacrifice of his son, his only son,

Isaac, whom he loved;

Who named Gideon a "mighty warrior"

When he was still hiding in the wine press threshing wheat;

Who gave confidence to David the shepherd boy

To face the giant Goliath without sword or armor,

Only a handful of stones, a sling, and You:

We come to You today

Overwhelmed with the darkness and distress

Of what Your providence has given us,

Needing stores of courage we don't have

And light we can't see.

Come to us quickly, Lord;

Be the lantern in our dark nights

And the mighty champion who drives away our dread and despair;

Hold us close to Yourself and strengthen our hearts

With Your love and promises.

Grant us audacious faith to live in confidence

Of Your goodness in the land of the living,

For You are good and do good, today and in the life to come.

We ask this in the name of Jesus the true Light of true light,

Very God of very God.

Amen.


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