Thirst

O God, You are my God;

earnestly I seek You.

My soul thirsts for You;

my flesh faints for You,

as in a dry and weary land,

where there is no water.

Psalm 63:1, ESV

We in north Texas are talking much of two things right now: heat and water. Today is predicted to be the 24th consecutive day of temperatures higher than 100F, and my city has had no rain at all this month.

The grass in the parks is August-brown already. The crepe myrtles, usually a bright spot in the green-brown landscape through Labor Day, are losing enthusiasm, too.

Water rationing has begun, and many homeowners are choosing to protect their lawns or their foundations, which tend to shift as our clay soil expands and contracts with changes in water or heat.

Even Ebony is lagging in his morning walks.

Every glance outside reminds me of our dependence on God. Even the wealthiest and most powerful nations on earth are powerless against the problems of too much or too little water. Only the God who made the heavens and earth can give the hydration needed to sustain life here.

The thirsty plants remind me, too, that my deepest hunger and deepest thirst are not for health or beauty or professional significance, but for God Himself. My soul thirsts for Him; my body faints with longing for Him.

And that thirst He promises to satisfy. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in this life partially and Someday in full.

Then the One seated on the throne said, "Look! I am making everything new." He also said, "Write, because these words are faithful and true." And He said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give to the thirsty from the spring of living water as a gift.

Revelation 21:5-6, HCSB


{see also this song from Nichole Nordeman}

Thanking God today for more of His gracious gifts:
~visual reminders every time I look outside that my primary thirst is for my Creator and Redeemer, the God who is my salvation

~Asiatic lilies, more sunflowers, and zinnias providing bright spots in an otherwise sunbleached, drought-fatigued landscape

~Isaiah 40-43: "Do not fear; I am with you," over and over again
~your prayers for me and mine
~transportation lined up for the first two weeks of August's physical therapy (in case it hurts or wears me out too much to drive safely)
~the two women from church, one who knows me only a little and the other not at all, who have offered their time and energy to meet that need
~Allen taking a personal day to support me through the first therapy session and the predicted pain increase afterward
~3 months with no antibiotics for any problem (longest stretch since November 2009)
~our governor's call for a state day of prayer and fasting August 6
~celebrating a birthday with family (thanks for your prayers!)
~cowboy boots a size too big
~superhero hugs
~Grandma hugs
~the way my sister tells a funny story
~laughter
~party blowouts as weapons
~balloons
~bubbles
~birthday cake
~trick candles
~cars, trucks, and things that go
~baseballs, beach balls, bouncy balls
~friendly neighbors and their prayers
~good memories of my grandfather and his love for reading and Tootsie Rolls. He would have been 95 yesterday.
~redeeming a Groupon for grocery delivery from small local vendors
~courage to keep doing the prescribed exercises even when they increase discomfort
~a whole week, Lord willing, with no medical appointments on the calendar
~watching the sky

(from the gratitude list, #1016-1043)

Amy Carmichael on Divine Love

Amy Carmichael was an Irish missionary to India in the early 20th century. She has also been an ink-and-paper mentor to me ever since my first introduction to her through a recording of an Elisabeth Elliot message. Lately I have been slowly rereading her book If, a meditation on Calvary love. The passage below proved ineffably comforting and encouraging to me; I pray God blesses you through it, too.

No vision of the night can show, no word declare, with what longings of love Divine Love waits till the heart, all weary and sick of itself, turns to its Lord and says, "Take full possession." There is no need to plead that the love of God shall fill our heart as though He were unwilling to fill us; He is willing as light is willing to flood a room that is opened to its brightness; willing as water is willing to flow into an emptied channel. Love is pressing round us on all sides like air. Cease to resist, adn instantly love takes possession. As the 15th century poem Quia amore langues says, 

Long and love though never so high, 

My love is more than thine may be. 

More, far more. For as His abundance of pardon passes our power to tell it, so does His abundance of love: it is as far as the east is from the west, high as the heaven is above the earth. But words fail. Love soars above them all.

To look at ourselves leads to despair. Thank God, the Blood cleanseth.

Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Also through Him, we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us (Romans 5:1-5, HCSB).


Dear Crumble, your empty places are opportunities to know more of God's love. May your hearts unfold and open to a fuller inpouring of divine love today.

Considering love with the folks at A Holy Experience today...

Suffering by Comparison

"Blessed is a man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He  has promised to those who love Him."

~James 1:12, HCSB

The comment thread on Saturday evening's post reminded me that we all experience trials, and we all can look to someone else and think, "My suffering is nothing compared to ____." I don't have to look farther than my own family and friends to be one-upped. The chain of comparison continues to escalate until we reach the suffering of the Lord Jesus.

His suffering on the cross on our behalf far exceeds anyone else's because in addition to the intense physical suffering, He bore the spiritual weight of the sins of mankind. Compared to that, anything else is just a paper cut. My response to suffering humbles me.


Therefore, it is not to make much of my health trials that I share them with you, but because I need the support of body of Christ to find His strength in my frailty.

As regular readers know, yesterday an orthopedist assessed my low back pain. The diagnosis was sciatica (nerve pain in the approximate area where the torso meets the leg) with probable lumbar disk involvement. The potential complications of the disk involvement more or less freaked me out, with panic driving out trust, hope, and peace, and I wasn't good for much the rest of the day. Not a becoming or faithful response for a believer, but there it is. Today is somewhat better so far. Charles Spurgeon's "morning" words for today were perfectly timed encouragement.

It was no accident, either, that another blogger linked yesterday to these words by evangelical Anglican bishop J.C. Ryle on lessons from the sickbed:

Beware of fretting, murmuring, complaining, and giving way to an impatient spirit. Regard your sickness as a blessing in disguise—a good and not an evil—a friend and not an enemy. No doubt we should all prefer to learn spiritual lessons in the school of ease and not under the rod. But rest assured that God knows better than we do how to teach us. The light of the last day will show you that there was a meaning and a “need be” in all your bodily ailments. The lessons that we learn on a sick-bed, when we are shut out from the world, are often lessons which we should never learn elsewhere.

The doctor has prescribed some stretching exercises and a month of physical therapy (which begins August 1). His assistant warned me to expect pain to increase rather than decrease as the maladjusted muscles are retrained.  (I have obtained an additional pain medicine to help bear this.) The doctor also exhorted me on the necessity of proper body mechanics to help my body heal.

Please pray

• with thanks for God's sovereignty over all of this.
• with thanks that my chest pain has been less than usual yesterday and today,
• for our strength of body, soul, and spirit to follow through on the prescription,
• for my peace and confidence in the goodness and love of God (sacrifice of praise again),
• for effectiveness of treatment with no further complications, if God wills,
• for the doctor and therapist assigned to me, and
• for provision and creativity regarding the behavioral adjustments I need to make and any outside transportation assistance needs for the therapy appointments.

Thank you for your kind prayers, comments, and e-mails. I have read and do appreciate all of them and the affection behind them. For right now, my computer time is limited and sporadic as we problem-solve an ergonomic workstation setup compatible with both chest and back pain needs, so I may not be able to respond to your responses as usual. Thank you for understanding and grace.

"...so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so I would not exalt myself. Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, in insults, in catastrophes, in persecutions, and in pressures. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10, HCSB).

Sacrifice of Praise

"Therefore, through Him [Christ], let us continually offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, that is, the fruit of our lips that confess His name" (Hebrews 13:15, HCSB).

After this verse popped up in several unrelated places over the course of two days, I decided to play along and choose it as my memory verse for the next two weeks, even though it really felt like the verse was choosing me. Does that ever happen to you?

It is already teaching me so much, and I'm only getting started. Slowing down makes such a difference!

"Through Him" - The offering up of praise sacrifices is through Christ. He is the reason and means of my offering; through His cleansing my worship is acceptable to God.

"Let us" - What does that "us" mean? The letter to the Hebrews addressed a group, not an individual, so in the original context the plurality is obvious. In church also, the corporate nature is obvious.

Even alone in my home, though, my praise invisibly joins with the praises of other Christians all around the world in the concept historically known as communion of the saints. This is not something I normally think about, but even in my morning reading today I read in Psalm 148 how all kinds of things, creatures, and persons were called to praise Yahweh. Perhaps my praise is not as solitary as meets the eye?

"Continually" - We are to offer praise through Christ at all times. All. Continually. Over and over.

"Offer up" - Praise is a free gift, arms outstretched, hands open and not grasping. As You wish, Lord.

"To God" - Not to the universe, fate, or mother nature. God is the one to whom our praise is due.

"A sacrifice of praise" - A sacrifice is costly. Sometimes in Leviticus it costs a life; at least it costs convenience and the reallocation of something I value (money, grain, oil, crops). Praise is a sacrifice; it costs my convenience and the reallocation of something I value; it will at some point mean laying down my ideas of what life ought to look like and declaring by faith that God's are better.

"The fruit of our lips" - Most of my prayers are silent ones. Is there some kind of added value in speaking or singing them?

"That confess His name" - My praise should confess (agree with, acknowledge) His name.

Adonai: Lord, Master.
Yahweh Jireh: The Lord will provide (or see).
El Olam: Everlasting God.
Rapha El: The God who heals.
Yahweh Mekoddishkem: The Lord who sanctifies.
Yahweh Tsidkenu: The Lord my righteousness.
Yahweh: I am. I am who I am. I will be who I will be.

Praise agrees with God's revelation of who He is (His name) and confesses that who He is is good.

"Therefore, through Him [Christ], let us continually offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, that is, the fruit of our lips that confess His name" (Hebrews 13:15, HCSB).

God, I thank and praise You for
~Your Word
~Your name
~the (inexplicable) value You place on our worship and praise
~Your pleasure in Your people (Psalm 149:4)
~Your promise to beautify the afflicted ones with salvation (ditto)
~a rough week improved as it went along
~pain keeping me ever-mindful of my dependence on the Lord
~the sharp-edged gift of hip pain while we discuss bell sheep and broken legs
~access to medical care for all my various and sundry needs
~more pink roses (red are more elegant, I know, but the pink ones make me happiest)

~funny little yellow orchids with their baby dragon faces sticking out forked tongues at me

~cicadas playing percussion outside all day long
~dragonflies zooming back and forth in the evening as though they were World War I flying aces
~drought reminding us to pray for rain to the One who governs it
~a friend sharing her chronic illness experience and empathy with me this week
~unexpectedly finding an article by another friend on a blog's linky list and "hearing" her voice as I read it
~opportunity to trust Your boundaries again for my desire to attend a family celebration coming up Saturday
~lots of post ideas, more ideas than time or strength. No writer's block.
(Gratitude list #910-927)

Still counting God's endless gifts with the gratitude community at Ann's place,...

with Laura at The Wellspring,...


and with Jen at Soli Deo Gloria...

Balance Sheet: Profit and Loss

One year ago today (July 15), my rheumatologist confirmed that my two weeks of chest pain and breathing difficulty were due to a lupus flare in addition to the asthma previously diagnosed.

He put me on a higher dose of steroids and commanded no exertion, no sun (which is a lupus trigger), for at least a month, since he suspected inflammation of the lining around the heart.

The heart? Really?

My mom was with me at the appointment, and she asked tentatively, "But her youngest nephew's first birthday party is Saturday. It's only an hour or so away. Can't she go over there just for a little while? If she lies down in the car? She really, really wants to celebrate with him."

My very reserved doctor visibly became angry, or maybe not angry...fierce. He leaned back in the chair, crossed one leg over the other, and pantomimed smoking a cigarette. "I can't help what she wants to do. If she wants to smoke a cigarette, she can smoke a cigarette. But I can tell you this:

"Decisions have consequences."

We drove home from the appointment in a bit of shock. I knew I felt the sickest I'd ever been, but bed rest? My heart? Really really, Lord? I guess I hoped the doctor would make it all better.

Last July's family events were only the first of many losses in this last year. Celebrations I couldn't take part in, family needs we couldn't help with, knowing that my needs kept A. away from meeting needs in his family of origin. Inability to give back by earning income or even do most of my homemaking responsibilities. Missing and longing to see family members who only live an hour or hour and a half away. Missing lots of church services, learning opportunities, fellowship opportunities. So many things relinquished or reshaped by these new limitations.

My body and circumstances are so much better than a year ago:

Last year at this time I was so weak I was afraid to shower without someone in the house (someone, that is, who could dial 911 and not just bark and lick my face if I passed out). For weeks more I would at least text my mom, "If you don't hear back from me in 15 minutes, call for help and come over."

Today I drove to Target to pick up prescriptions. Extending the outing for the Starbucks drive-through or bank felt like pushing it, though. I still need back-up for lots of things, but not basic hygiene.

The asthma is stable, other health concerns have improved, I can go to church sometimes and participate in occasional, judiciously chosen family events, and the pain is less than it was, although I am still waiting and praying for a pain-free day.

After many tests and ruling out other possibilities, the diagnosis of the chest pain is costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage connecting ribs to sternum. As my doctor says, "It is just pain." Just pain. Not my heart or lungs. Not life-threatening.

All the diagnostics also revealed an unrelated, asymptomatic heart valve issue the doctor needs to watch.  Now we know, and it's under professional medical care.

Still, it's easy to focus on the losses instead of the graces, which are significant:

My husband has loved me well this last year. If I had any insecurities about his commitment, his service and care have erased them.

Kindness, friendship, and support have come from surprising places.

"I can't do this. Will you please help?" may yield surprised or confused looks but usually also yields compassion and assistance. And it's good for me to die to pride that way.

I have been more available to pray for and listen to others.

My desire for corporate worship has grown stronger through the times of absence from it.

I think I am learning to know God better by writing here and listening to your comments.

Maybe, perhaps, just a little, I am growing better at letting go of my wishes and way.

Thank you all for making this last year better, for your presence here, for the prayers you graciously offer. I'm grateful for you.

P.S. The low back pain has returned, despite all the anti-inflammatory and pain medicine the chest pain requires. Monday I have an appointment to investigate this. I would be grateful for any prayers God leads. We are praying for discernment for the doctor, a simple and remediable explanation, and perhaps some new advice for the chest pain, too. Again, I'm thankful for you!