Wondering

This morning I read Psalm 126 and wondered at the wild grace of God that restores His people's miserable captivity and sowing of seeds in tears, replacing them not with denial, not with mere healing, but with abundant harvest and shouts of joy.  I think of the friends sowing in tears today and the shouts of joy of the World Series champions on the screen last night, and I wonder.

Then I read in Ezekiel about God's coming judgment on Israel's neighbors.  These powerful countries on top of the world who abused God's people would surely be trodden underfoot.  The wealthy metropolis of Tyre would become a rock scraped bare by the sea.  I see the consequences of our actions and our pride, and I wonder.

My mind, sluggish and distracted today, loops round and round the phrases of Jeremiah 9:23-24, trying to learn them one word at a time:  no boasting in wisdom, nor in might, nor in riches, but only in knowing God and how He acts on earth.  The only ground of true boasting is not an acquisition or an accomplishment, but a gift?  I wonder.

Ann Voskamp writes about blogging in the Upside Down Kingdom, and I wonder if I am, or if I am just doing this for comments and page views, to convince myself of my own importance.

All these witnesses agree that God's kingdom and our earthly kingdom are oriented in different directions, and one of them is upside down.  I realize this, and I wonder: do I experience that culture shock when I open my Bible, or have I homogenized it with my daily life, though they ought to be as separate as milk and the cream floating on top?  When I close the Book and open the computer, do I even recognize the smell of mothballs and the feel of coats on my skin as I trade Narnia for the wardrobe in the spare room?

And if the radical upside-down nature of life doesn't shock me that way, why on earth not?  I wonder.

Gratitude 11: Waiting

This month I realized I had been waiting a long while for delivery of a particular online order.  Checking the tracking information, I discovered the package had been marked "out for delivery" eight days prior.  Traffic here can be bad, but 20 miles in eight days?  That would be traffic congestion worthy of the evening news.

The to-do list suddenly expands:
Writing e-mail to customer service...
Waiting for their response... 
Responding to their response...
Waiting for receipt of the new and diminished reshipment of the order, because one item has become unavailable since the original shipment...

In the end, my hopes for this shopping experience were only partially satisfied and partially disappointed.

We have done a lot of waiting these last few months, waiting for medical appointments, lab results, medication results, feeling better, answers, guidance... The same pattern occurs consistently:  some desires are satisfied, and some are disappointed.  You have no doubt experienced the same in your waiting for job interviews, doctors' calls, a spouse, a baby, a home, and all the other things "out there" we need or want.

Today in my memory review and reading in Isaiah the recurring theme was to wait for LORD.  Not wait for LORD to _____ [do what I want, meet my needs, fix this problem], but simply for Him.  While I don't pretend to understand all that means, it seems to communicate in part that, no matter the outcome of my lesser hopes and desires, He will show Himself.  He will be "a God merciful, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity, and transgression, and sin," and all the other unchanging qualities He ascribes to Himself in the Bible (Exodus 34:6-7).

Waiting for Him will not disappoint me.  He will not disappoint me.  He may disappoint my immediate wishes, and His "good" may not probably won't look like my version of "good," but it will be all right.  Better, even, though that may be hard to accept in the short term.  The "I AM" will show Himself.

"I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob, and I will hope in him."

(Isaiah 8:17)

O LORD, be gracious to us; we wait for you.
   Be our arm every morning,
   our salvation in the time of trouble.

(Isaiah 33:2)

~hearing "Thy Word" on the radio and remembering in an instant the sign language we learned for church choir tour (more than 20 years ago) and the people who learned it with me
~Ebony getting jealous of my attention to the butterflies and charging across the yard to chase them off (with limited success)
~learning that a dozen butterflies taking flight at the same moment sound like dry leaves rustling
~beautiful morning skyscapes this last week

~"one of these things is not like the others" among the butterflies

~positive news from in-office tests Thursday
~no difficulties with IV or contrast dye for Friday's medical test
~opportunity for faith to grow in the waiting for the Lord in remaining results
~husband's grin, anticipating reactions at the office to his very scary "Tony Romo in a sling" costume
~access to good medical care and ability to pay for it
~a new Jan Karon book for delight and diversion
~the first fleece jacket and fuzzy socks weather of the season
~four generations of my family represented at my nephews' soccer game this weekend
~digital photography to see there when I can't be there
(Gratitude journal #1600-1613)

Progress Report

After a rough few weeks of setbacks in September, the last two weeks have brought renewed, slow health gains.  The new asthma inhaler at the beginning of the month helped, but last week the doctor made one more change which seems better still.

My new best friend

Last week also started 30 days of "My Life the Science Fair Experiment" as a prescription sinus irrigation compound replaced the previous plain saline solution.  And yes, that's just as much fun as it sounds.  [Smile.  It's not so bad and does help.]  This is reportedly the last resort for sinus infections and generally effective, but it is too soon to know how well it will work for me.

(If any readers live in Conroe, Texas, and have special prescription needs, Richie's Pharmacy, my doctor's choice for fulfilling this order, provided excellent customer service, fast shipping, and patient answers to all my questions.)

With the recent changes, I have been able to drive myself on a few short errands to the book drop, ATM, and the like.  My comfort and stamina limit for occasional chauffered outings or visitors at home has not really progressed beyond an hour to an hour and a half, but the pain and recovery time are less than they were a month ago.  For the last two Sundays, I have even been able to participate in worship at our nearest evangelical church.

We have one more doctor's appointment this week, on the day this posts, with a new specialist.  My asthma and lupus doctors feel it's important to make certain asthma is the only respiratory issue, and it's possible that a physician from a different discipline will have new insight or recommendations on continued treatment.  Depending on the outcome of that visit, I may have two weeks off from medical appointments before the next round commences.  That would be a welcome respite.

That's the generally positive update on physical health.

Internally, there are growing pains today.  As the necessary holiday discussions begin, I'm feeling frustration over the need to plan possibilities yet avoid commitment and disappointment in likely disappointing others.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are the next landmarks ahead on the trail, and we don't at all know whether our particular path will move toward or away from time with family on those days.  We do know it's still very important to minimize stress and not overdo, even if that should require a "no" to good and important activities.

Truthfully, we don't know whether I'll feel like eating out at a restaurant for our Saturday date or going to church on Sunday.  A month ahead seems like an eternity.  Day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment are the way decisions happen here.  On the day of this writing, there have already been several course corrections as energy waxed and waned for no obvious reason.

Perhaps this is a good frustration, though.  It is the humbling of my pride and independence, the pruning of cultural confidence in plans and calendars, the reminder that every desire and plan is "if the Lord wills."  It is another opportunity to trust God to meet my family's needs as well as my own.  It is good for me to learn, again, Elisabeth Elliot's favorite lesson, "Do the Next Thing."  Anything that heightens my sense of dependence on God, as this does, is a good thing.

That's the progress report: mostly positive and not entirely comfortable, but that's ok.  Even good.

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
   to the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations 3:25, ESV

Slow Down and Chew

Ebony and I have a bad habit.  We eat too fast.  He has an excuse in the indeterminate amount of time he fended for himself between his previous home and rescue by animal control.  My mother blames my tendency to speed-eat on a decade of 20-minute school lunches.  My sisters seem to eat like normal people, however, so I'm not sure that's it.  I can slow down if I try, but I don't always think to do so, unless it's in a social setting where I'm self-conscious.

If I'm not careful, I can do the same thing with Scripture, scanning the pages and chapters to get it done and cross it off my list.  Eating too fast is unattractive and not very healthy; taking the same attitude to the Bible is downright wrong.  And yet I may slip into it unless I actively choose not to.

That's one way memorizing portions of Scripture helps me: it slows me down to savor the nuances of the words.  This slow, focused immersion in a text brings to light patterns I had not noticed before.  In last week's verses, Lamentations 3:22-27, one session brought out attributes of God.  Another highlighted the word "good."  Another showed me the contrast between the book title and the ideas presented.  These precious, beautiful, empowering promises fall smack-dab in the middle of Lamentations!

The effort to learn Bible verses by memory, whether successful or not, also helps saturate my thoughts with God's truth.  So many false ideas accost me during a given day, whether from the media or my own background and sin patterns, that I need to invest time in replacing them with something better.

The memory method that seems to work best for me is one I've heard from multiple sources.  First the learner reads the verse aloud 10 times; then she says it (with help as needed) 10 times; then she continues to review until it sticks.  It's surprising how well this works, even when I think I'm too tired to learn a new verse.  For me personally, the extra step of copying the text out by hand helps, but that's part of my learning style.  Others can learn straight off the page of their Bibles.  An existing melody for two verses of last week's portion also helped tremendously; otherwise six verses would probably have required longer than a week.

Sometimes I truly am too tired or hurting to retain the verse, but while I am working on it I can't be thinking rubbish, and that's a victory in itself.  With or without long-term retention, the process is its own reward. My hope is that someday the practice of Scripture memory will reset my mind's idle state or screensaver to truth and away from falsehood.

Daily learning and review shapes my prayers, as well.  Slow meditation on a few verses shows me how to praise, what to confess, what obedience looks like, and how God's Word connects with my loved ones' needs so I can make truer requests for them.  Usually my own felt need drives my choice of verses to learn, but the review process often links them up to other peoples' concerns.  This is one way I learn to pray "according to God's will," by praying His breathed-out Word.

The Bible verses committed to memory are also my most portable ones, even when I still need the cards.  This is my Scripture for stoplights, grocery lines, and walking the dog; for waiting rooms, pre-op, and dentist's chairs; for tooth-brushing, dishwashing, and laundry folding.  There are so many moments and places I can turn my heart towards the Lord but might not recognize without a habit like Scripture memory.

While I am by no means a stellar or even consistent practitioner, when I work at learning Bible verses by heart it enriches me.  When I neglect it, I am impoverished.  Scripture memory slows me down to see better, saturates my thoughts with truth, shapes my prayers, and sets my thoughts towards the Lord when my hands and feet are busy.

Please read this as a testimony, not a sermon, and one which reflects my failures and false starts as much as my successes.

How about you?  Have you tried this discipline?  How does it help you?  Please feel free to share your own experience or current memory goals in the comments or by e-mail so we can learn from each other and I can learn from you.

Gratitude 10: The Nearness of God

Saturday afternoon, Husband calls from the backyard, "Sweetie, get the camera!"

At the door, ready to hand it out to him, I see him crouched by the lantana and blue mistflower, cupping something carefully in his hands.  Slowly he approaches me, and I see it is a large monarch butterfly.

My excitement over the photo op quickly morphed into sadness.  The lower edge of one wing was damaged, as if it had been gnawed.

She said, "Oh, no!  What can we do?  He's going to die like that, unable to get to the plants or evade the birds or go to Mexico with his friends!  This is awful!"

He said, "I think he's old and very weak.  The wing doesn't look too damaged for him to fly, so maybe he just needs food to recover his strength.  I'll put him in the flowers so he can eat, and maybe he'll be all right."

That he did.  So very gently, he set the butterfly in the blue mist, where like an infant suckling it immediately found the nectar.  The dog was outside as well by this time, so I stayed and watched as the wounded insect crept around the flowers and ate.  He did look happier, at least, if not stronger.

Storms soon broke here, and waves of rain and thunder and tornado warnings passed through.  I have not seen the butterfly today, but he's still in my thoughts.

As I asked the Lord what to make of this curious encounter, I remembered this:

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
         And saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

And this:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
       he drew me out of deep waters.

  He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
       but the LORD was my support.

  He brought me out into a spacious place;
       he rescued me because he delighted in me (Psalm 18:16-19).

And this:

 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:9-11).

Today, then, I give thanks for the nearness of God to those with broken wings,

for His grace to rescue and restore us,

for a husband who shows me God's gentleness,

for butterflies and sunrises,

for rain and protection in the storms,

and for a day when the groaning of Creation will be satisfied in freedom and redemption.

(Gratitude list 1501-1506)

May you know His nearness in your need and call today.